I was a writer long before I started this blog. Fear also has been following me for many years, if not my whole life. Recently, I found a sheet of paper from years ago, on which I had been trying to work through my feelings. So here it is:
I have problems with trust. Whether it be a peer, that they are caring enough to get to know me; men, that their motives are pure; even a pool’s water, that it will catch me if I jump. Sillier than all of those, even the last one, is my distrust of God. In fact, all of those other trust problems are likely the result of this one. I mean, I cannot see God, or hear Him, unless you count the quiet nudging He leads me by to be hearing. Though I am told all the time about how God wants the best for me and how my life is most secure in His hands, it just doesn’t click. Giving control to someone else is hard, even when it’s God. Many a person has let me down, so it feels like I should just take care of it all- not trust anyone. I tend to apply me experiences with people to God. There are helpless times in my memory, when all that could be done was to leave whatever it was in God’s control (as if He didn’t already have it in His control), and hope that justice and good will would be done. As I recall, those were some of the most peaceful times; they were times when I was reminded that I was God’s dearly loved child. So why don’t I live in this realization, surrender, and freedom always? That is the question I’m asking myself right now. God, help me let go and trust!
Sometimes, going back and reading what I had written years ago, or even days ago, is exactly what I need to bring clarity and strength back to me. I hope that this little blurb is helpful to you as well!