The generational sin of fear runs in my family. I grew up watching many people live under its influence. It built up walls and caused people to run away from each other. Fear of “what if”, perfectionism, wanting to control something and/or someone. I watched these things become obsessions. When I saw people who didn’t live like that, I thought they were kind of strange. How could they function like that? How did they determine that their life was okay?
Fall 2013, I got a big taste of how much damage fear can do. I had been told I needed to get my wisdom teeth taken out. During the pre-appointment, they played a video with all the possible side-effects. Terror gripped me. Over the next weeks, I thought of little else. A week before my scheduled surgery, we canceled because my health had gone downhill, both mentally and physically.
After the cancellation, I thought everything would bounce back. Not even though. I found new things to stress and obsess about. Everything kept getting worse and worse, maybe what you could call depression. I called on God so often, it felt like He was the only thing keeping me alive. Hiding in my room reading my Bible and praying became my favorite thing. (Generally good things to spend time doing, but not in this context.)
After a huge diet change, my overall health began returning. I had the energy to deal with life again!
Spring 2014, it was time to reschedule the wisdom teeth removal surgery. This time ‘round I pushed myself to pray about the procedure whenever it came to mind. So much praying happened! I just gave it to God (by His grace!) It was amazing how much peace I had as the day approached, especially after my previous experience. I was even able to focus on other things! The day came. When they had finished the procedure, I heard the nurse commenting to the doctor about how the surgery had gone very well. Praise the Lord!! I knew it was an answer to my prayers.
Even through paralyzing experiences, I thought I had at least some control over this thing; I thought that the generational sin wasn’t ruling my life. Then over holiday break from college (2014), I read the symptoms of a panic attack. It hit me, all of the past semester I had been under moderate to severe stress andmany panic attacks had occurred. I had a panic attack just thinking about that. (It still scares me; fear of fear.) My world felt out of control. I asked God to show me how to defeat this fear and stress. I asked Him to break the chains.
Honestly, fear and anxiety are horrible, but it’s really great to have those times as monuments of how God came through. His grace is enough. I started this blog so that I could work out the stuff God was showing me about how to defeat fear and anxiety both for myself and for friends who I know are also dealing with this sin. God has used the blog to renew my mind. This battle is not over yet, that much I know. With God’s help though, somehow, there will be a victory. (There already have been victories.. and maybe God has a different idea of victory then I do.)
“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”
~ Phil. 1:6